phoenixastraea | "Yes, that's all very well...but how dickens can I?" (Reply)

For those of you Wodehouse virgins out there, my uproariously hilarious title to this post is from "Jeeves Saves the Cow Creamer" from Jeeves and Wooster, Season 1. I've just had the good fortune to have been given this lovely DVD set by my dear Glenn for graduation. Really funny stuff. Its strange, but the aforementioned dialogue in my title seems to fit with what's been going on with my life.

Its awful, but I find myself growing solemn and pensive at the strangest moments. Moments when I should be absurdly happy, moments like when I'm shopping for shoes, looking at books, spending time with my dear, and organizing my room. Perhaps its all the O'Neill that I've been reading lately, but I've really felt a slow depression of spirit come upon me. For the life of me, I really don't know why its happening but I really feel stressed.  Again, quoting Bertie "why dickens?" My 19 year old cat is in great health, I just graduated with an MA from a great school, I've got the best friends around, my family is doing well, and I haven't yet killed my rose or my Venus flytrap! What's my problem?

One big issue is that I haven't yet found a job. Again, its not something one should get discouraged about, since this is how life goes...but I had really hoped to have made a more seamless transition into the working world with the level of degree I just earned. I've posted tons of places and am currently waiting on the University to see whether or not I'd be good for any large number of admin jobs. I also just received my payment stubs to repay my student loans. I haven't dared look at them yet because I don't even want to start stressing about when I've got to start paying them back and how much extra it's going to cost me each month. I'll save that jolly task for tomorrow. My rent is also going up in August and good lord, I know I'm running through my savings just to get by. This isn't even considering all the other bills. Oh lord, its time for a drink.

It's also summer, which means that I get to start watching all these skinny little twits running around in barely-there bikini's and my defenses against societies stupid aesthetic pressures start to fracture and crumble. Its pathetic of me, I know...and whining won't help. The damn gym will. Time to get back my fencing legs. I wasn't feeling quite so bad until I saw how rounded my face looked in my graduation photos.

So, why am feeling like this when I should be feeling more hunky-dory? What is it about my particular personality that seems to prevent me from really enjoying a sense of great accomplishment? Is it my foresight (i.e., my looking immediately ahead to what the next task needs to be)? My perfectonist nature?

Ick, whatever. I need a punching bag or something.