phoenixastraea | Ongoing RAW Coverage and Review

I've decided to start reviewing RAW again. Too bad I started it on a horrible show.

Well, we're starting off with The Cutting Edge, which I've always thought was a great concept. Edge is always solid on the mike, which is crucial, considering Randy Orton has about as much charisma on the mike as a sea sponge; I really wish Edge wasn’t such a douchebag in real life, otherwise I’d be waaay behind him. I’m also a big fan of Bischoff and believe that they should bring him back as GM of RAW. He’s solid on the mike and can generate heat enough to power a large sun. Coachman, no matter what he says, will always be a joke.

This just in: I just had a heart attack. Vince just said that there was no Shawn for tonight!!! I’m officially devastated. Truly. I had read on PW Torch that RAW did a house show where Hunter also told the crowd that Shawn would be absent. I almost have to cut RAW’s rating by half if not more, considering that Hunter will be facing Randy Orton FOR THE THIRD WEEK IN A ROW. *sigh* That, and Edge is the guest referee for the match. Gee, I wonder how THIS one is going to turn out.

Hmmm, the E is really pushing this audience interaction bit. I have NO idea whether or not they can actually tally the texts/online votes up until the main event or whether its just fixed. People are really texting. Interesting. I don’t know whether to denounce this for lameness or whether it’s a genius idea to get people more involved. I guess what it really indicates is a complete and total loss of inspiration and innovation on the part of Creative. That being said, I’m going to go vote for Cena to beat the hizzeck out of Coachman. Yes, gentle reader, I am about to sell out.

**Brief interlude, in which Heather sells her soul to WWE.com**

Ok, and we’re back from commercial break. Nitro is gyrating with Melina. I have to say, as great as Nitro’s bod is, he does absolutely NOTHING for me. His opponent, however, one Mr. Shelton Benjamin is truly awesome and truly underused. Gee, it looks like the exact same show as last week; Carlito, Shelton, and Nitro, with Jeff hanging out on ringside. I actually like Jeff at ringside; hopefully he’ll interfere and make it all more interesting. He’s toned up a bit and is looking good. As much as Nitro bores me, he’s got a hell of a lot of talent in the ring; seeing him work in tonight’s match shows me how horribly he is underused. Seriously, guys; he needs to be like Benoit and Jeff: keep him in the air and away from the mike. Nitro’s dropkick in midair also brings back memories of Shawn’s Gold Rush tournament with Shelt. And here I am settling into a good groove with the IC contenders and BANG, it’s over with Carlito doing damn all in the ring but still getting the pin. Gee, could they be trying to influence the fans to vote for Carlito at Cyber Sunday? Unh-uh. No way, dude; Shelton has my vote all the way.

Whatever could be next? With Nitro out of the way, could K-Fed be far behind? I pray not. BUT lookee! I called it anyway! Check out this week’s Slam of the Week featuring none other than His Sleeziness. Yes I rule.

Now for our daily dose of Cena. Now, gentle reader, I am no Cena mark. For all intensive purposes, Edge is correct; he wrestles like a retarded gorilla, or to be specific, when he’s not wrestling under his Prototype gimmick as he did in OVW, he wrestles like a retarded gorilla. I do, however, think he is rather amusing on the mike.

“YOU LIKE DUDES.” <LOL> Sorry, the 13 year old in me is laughing. Ok, fine. The 25 year old in me is laughing just as hard. Even though gay jokes are totally tasteless and overdone on the show, the delivery was absolutely brilliant. Good intensity, good humor, easy delivery and very true to himself. The Marine stuff is old, but I loved that it brought out that awesome reaction in Todd Grisham. Seriously, I just want to see him go apeshit and snap on everyone. It would be glorious.

Ok, Torrie? I remember when you were somewhat cool and even semi-worthy of stepping inside the squared circle. Apparently, you’ve fallen to new lows as well, shilling yourself out to Carlito now that Trish got herself out of the sinking ship I MEAN, retired. If you look close enough, you can see the lipo marks on her stomach. I swear, they just need to hire prostitutes to do the wrestling, since they’ve degraded the women’s div to that point anyway.

Mickie James, I love you. Thank you for having talent and for not being a cheap tart. Lita, however, doesn’t care anymore. I hear that she’s supposed to be leaving the E after Survivor Series to (get this) pursue a THEATRE CAREER. I will repeat that, because it bears repeating…a theatre career. She’s got to be one of THE worst wrestlers on the mike of all time…and she’s going to pursue an ACTING career? My lord. Either way, she better not go to TNA; after the fiasco of Summer ’05, I just want her gone.

I’m growing suspicious. Hunter’s match seems like its coming WAAY early in the show. Hmmm, and no DX promos. Perhaps this isn’t a “swerve” and Shawn really is out of the building. I suspect that Shawn and Marty are taking some special Rockers time. It does, however, feel weird to see Trips out there by himself and I certainly hope that our beloved Shawn is ok.

There is one sign out in the front row that says “Randy Please Kill DX”. I am overwhelmed with a desire to hit that kid with a brick.

HAHA, very nice twist with Trips hitting Edge with the mike and then the Pedigree. THIS was what DX needed to be doing for the past few weeks. “Get this crap out of my ring!” and WTF, commercial?! *tears hair out* Thrilling, USA. Truly amazing. Here I am on a Monday night after waiting all week for DX promos/matches and they cut to a commercial. Morons.

As for the match, Randy’s temper tantrum adds nothing to his character and only contributes to his weakness as a heel. Only Christian can pull off temper tantrums and still have credibility. So far, this match is only so-so. I mean, we’ve seen this three weeks in a row, Edge or no Edge. Weren’t we supposed to see Shawn and Edge at some point? Speaking of Edge…geee…Edge runs in and interferes to make the match a DQ, with a chair on top. Apparently, not just a chair, but also a botched RKO (I’m sorry, but falling on a chair would NOT hurt that much) and a sledgehammer on top.

Ok, time for storyline critique. Now, this match was fought to a no contest. Edge got to interfere and try to help Randy not look like Strawberry Shortcake. Unfortunately, Edge failed and Randy still ended up looking like a complete and total pansy, overselling every hit from Trips, whining at the loss of Edge as a ref and generally acting as weak as I have ever seen him. Even with Edge’s interference, they couldn’t even beat Trips using ringside objects and both of their finishers several times over. While yes, this is the complete truth (i.e., that on their best day, both of them combined couldn’t beat Trips with one hand tied behind his back), it doesn’t do anything to promote suspense or even much interest. The heels lost even more credibility and Trips didn’t get to do anything out of the ordinary.

The show is now officially over for me. Farooq (aka Ron Simmons) just came out, looked at Coach, made him run off, and said “Damn”. That’s it for me, because, you and I both know, gentle reader, that when you see Umaga come out against Eugene and Jim Duggan, that the rest of the RAW roster just decided to dial it in. Yes, looking at their extensive European touring schedule, I’d probably be dialing it in too, but even still, I would have hated to pay good money for tonight’s show.

Whoops, spoke too soon. Flair came out and Roddy Piper has a mike. Sweet lord, let that man talk. Slaughter is first, though, and I do so love him calling them the Puke Squad. I always loved him on GI Joe. I’ll forgive him pronouncing it “EE-nihilation”. Roddy’s promo…what can I say? That man lifted up his kilt and showed us his black boxer briefs. I think he may have made up for the lack of Shawn in that one moment. Of course, his promo’s always kick ass. Three words; intensity, intensity, intensity. Why that man has never won a world championship title is a sin against nature.

Shawn, my dear? You did the right thing; except for the IC group and Flair, tonight wasn’t even worth your time and was barely worth Hunter’s.

Overall rating: C-. No Shawn and a terribly awful, uninteresting, and predictable booking made this a show worth of a failing grade; a fairly nice showing from the IC group (especially Nitro and Shelton), Grisham losing it, parts of Cena’s promo, Cryme Tyme stealing the plasma TV, and Roddy flashing the crowd brought it back up to just above D+. Honestly, it was probably mostly Roddy; the rest of the stuff, while funny, was fairly small fry.

WWE, you’re on notice. You need to call in a Hazmat team for this garbage.