Quarter Life Crises

[phoenixastraea]

Last night I had a really great dinner with my buddy Josh, in which we ended up talking about our current life situation.  He also mentioned that my LJ has been totally uninteresting to him because of all my wrestling markout moments, so I figured it would be a good time to oblige him.  ;^)  I hadn't vented about RL stuff on here in a while anyway.

In all seriousness, it made me think of something that a friend of mine posted on his MySpace bulletin about a quarter life crises.  I may reproduce it here if I get a chance, but it basically talked about the horrible, liminal phase that many of us are going through right now.  Truly, it seems like one of the worst transition phases  that we can go through because the rest of our lives are looming ahead of us right at this very minute.  Not high school, not college.  Life.  And its fucking scary. 

I remember feeling something similar to this when I graduated from undergrad.  I got out, had a decent job in the government business and was earning a fairly decent amount of cash when I started feeling my soul slipping away.  So, I did the natural thing; I went back to grad school to find it again among the hallowed halls of my beloved alma mater, UVA also known as the best fucking university in the world.  (/pride moment).  I started to find it again; part of it was having my own apartment at a ridiculously reasonable rate, having it furnished like I could live there forever, earning my Masters Degree and feeling like I had some direction for once.   The more education classes I took, the more I felt like I could do something with this degree and make a difference in my life and in others'.  Then, before I knew it, two years was up and I'm left with a stellar piece of paper in my hands, a great thesis (if I do say so myself) and so much debt that I could cry.  So...now what?  After busting my ass to find a teaching job (competing with other UVA grads who were certified) to no avail, I boomerang home where I get to see my wonderful family more often, but find myself a wreck again.   Where am I going? What the fridge am I going to do with myself?  I feel like I still need to figure myself out...that I've gone head over heels in a sensory deprivation chamber and I'm fighting to find the light again, find my balance.  

There are moments when I feel absolutely confident and secure; those are counterbalanced by the moments when I hit absolute rock bottom, hating myself, my place in life, my looks, my faults, my debts, my restrictions, and every other superficial thing there is to be upset/irritated/angry about.  I hear about every other person from my high school class either getting engaged, getting married, or having kids and it freaks the shit out of me.  I've had my chances, to be sure...and I wasn't ready, but I can't help feeling the pressure, knowing that I'm here at 25 and people I know are living the dream with the love of their life (possibly), secure jobs, double incomes, and 2.5 kids.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to get my shit together, because it sure don't feel like that right now.  

I think Josh summed it up perfectly last night;  "[we're] fucking smart, single, confused, and living at home".  

Hey, at least we've got each other...because I don't know about you all, but nearly everyone I've talked to feels something similar.   I suppose we can be grateful for the small favors...

Comments

[cdaae.livejournal.com]

Just think, in 10 years time half those people will be having messy divorces, arguing about money and who gets the half a kid.

I think that the standard stuff we're supposed to settle down and do in life just isn't really satisfying to everyone. Part of us feels angst over not doing or having it, because we're "supposed" to, but part of us knows it's not for us and stops us from settling for the offers we get in that direction. But our society is so biased in that direction that it doesn't really tell us about or encourage any of the alternatives, just makes us feel shit for not being/doing/having those things.

Um, I don't know what the actual solution is. Considering whether you really want those things, and saying "Well fuck 'em" and not feeling bad about it anymore if you don't, I suppose. But that's only half the problem, because then you have to find whatever damn thing does make you happy, and deal with the external pressures (and things like debt) that might be standing in the way of going for it.

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's pretty much what I figure when I get that anxiety over marriage. Not everyone who gets married has the key to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

Social/gender pressures are annoying; I even recognize them as such and it annoys me that I can't turn it off sometimes. I've seen several options within my family alone: my gparents have been happily married for 54 years, my aunt is working on making marriage #4 work, and my mom has never been married and never plans to.

As for myself, I honestly don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who is satisfied in marriage. Every time I seem to be faced with that decision, I backpedal like a chasm has opened up in front of me. The problem is having time tick away while you're trying to decide all this stuff. I don't want kids now, but when I decide that I do want them, are the physical risks going to be too high by then? Of course adoption is an option, but you just don't know. You're right about stuff being in the way of feeling comfortable enough doing those things...and again, what solutions? A mystery, wrapped in a conundrum, boxed in an enigma...

[cdaae.livejournal.com]

At least the children issue isn't as pressing as it used to be, I guess - it's more and more common for people to have kids in their mid 30s. I have a friend who had her first at 39 and second at 41, with no problems at all.

I tend to avoid thinking about the future, because it's too damn scary.

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

It's definitely more common for people to have them later and later. My aunt had her two girls late in life and we were a bit worried about the younger daughter for a while, thanks to a quack misdiagnosis. Unfortunately, we have seen the flipside; my mom's neighbor just had a child who was born with Down Syndrome and she was in her late 30's, early 40's. So, I think it's still a threat, so that's scary.

And yes, I try to avoid it too...much easier that way.

[haljordan2814oa.livejournal.com]

You have incredible will-power, Heather. I know you will find the path that offers you the greatest opportunity to live full of life (even if it isn't whatever everyone else expects from you). I never stopped believing in you.

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I was watching Holmes last night and thought of you.

[guenhwyvarsmind.livejournal.com]

Heh, you know that does sound kind of familiar. I never had any kind of plan for my life, career or otherwise. I still don't, to be honest - there are plans, but the only grand scheme is 'be happy'. I was lucky in love; I spent 11 years with a wonderful guy, and I'm richer and stronger for it. We married, because we wanted to, and had no kids, because we didn't want them. Everyone's dream is different, but it should always include being happy, IMHO. :)

OT - after a successful format change and a trim, a certain video is being uploaded to Megaupload at this very moment. I'll send you the link when it's finished being a slowpoke. *g*

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

I think you might have the key there..the thing that we all forget in the process of trying to satisfy everyone elses needs (including societies): to be happy. I'll remember that. =^)

You are a goddess of awesomeness. Like Edge and Christian would say, you rule like sodas rule! ;^) In all seriousness, thank you for taking the time to do that; I hope it didn't tax you too too much...

[guenhwyvarsmind.livejournal.com]

*hehe* No prob - swapping formats solved the problem with the video splitter, something that's handy to know if the problem happens witrh any other files. (I've been clipping a lot of London/Spanky out of SD lately *g*)

Ta da -
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=UY7CSR5R

Enjoy!

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

I cannot thank you enough. This was so enjoyable to relive; I've been watching it in spurts (and getting some nice screencaps that I think I'll post on Wrestling_slash soon...). Many thank yous.

You wouldn't happen to have the segment at the beginning of the next RAW too, would you? Where Shawn and Marty are all touchy feely before Marty decides what to do about Vince?

[guenhwyvarsmind.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. ^_^

The hallway scene? *g* I'm sure I do somewhere, although it might be on a video tape. I can do video-to-pc, although my video is decidedly cranky, *pokes it* I think I need a new one. But I'll look into it. *g*

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

Check out wrestling_slash. I uploaded some stuff that will hopefully get a good squee/pop out of you! =^)

[acebaretta.livejournal.com]

"the best fucking University in the world," huh?

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

Nononono, you've got it all wrong! These go under the header of "WORST effing University of all time".

It's ok; I understand that you all make lots of mistakes.

*pats on the head*

;^D

Consider yourself (http://photobucket.com/)

[acebaretta.livejournal.com]

What, by simply turning a child like phrase I am to be considered owned?

It takes much, much more than "I know you are but what am I" to commit such uber pwnage.

Now granted, I kind of went child like in my retort, however, my poor, misguided soul, I did not claim pwnage.

Pwnage can just be clamed when yo have been outclassed and there is no locical retort that should be forthcoming. Therefore, pwnage here is justly uncalled for, much less the level of pwnage that being Londowned would entail.

This is the education you recieved at that so called "University?"

Pah. WaWho?

[phoenixastraea.livejournal.com]

"I know you are but what am I?"

OHOHOHH ZOMG UR TTLY PWND WTFBBQ!!!1111eleventy one

*gigglesnort* ;^)

BTW, SUCH an asshole. lol

[acebaretta.livejournal.com]

Seeing as that you have completely validated my point....

I now consider this LJ, and all things herein....

[redorchard13.livejournal.com]

:D
in astrology they call it a Saturn Return. i believe the concept is that every seven years, Saturn returns to the place that it was in your chart at your birth and Havoc Ensues. the late-twenties return is apparantly one of the worst, though 14 can get pretty hairy.

isnt it fun?

[angelelegy.livejournal.com]

You're right Heather, I did find this entry somewhat comforting. That's a brilliant quote by Josh too.

Thoughts from somebody who didn't go to grad school and had to deal with a lot of this 2 years ago

[dfunkman.livejournal.com]

I dunno if I'm any kind of authority on this stuff, but I'll offer my thoughts. Take them as you will. BTW, I'm a verbose thinker. I reccommend that anybody attempting to read this comment first grab a cup of tea or a beer or something.

1. THANK YOU for talking about something other than wrestling. :-P I give a fuck about you and enjoy the chance to talk with you about something I can at least pretend to know about.

2. About this quarter life crisis thing: It seems pretty inevitable. You get out of school at some point and kinda go, "Well, now what?" I have an acquaintance who also just got out of grad school intending to get a job. But after spending a season or so hunting for a job, she decided to work food service and mooch off her parents until the fall and then go for her PHD, because she's frustrated and afraid of the real world. Don't make that mistake. More papers don't necessarily make you more employable, specially without that elusive resume item: experience. I'm starting to realize why all these employers want workers with experience of some kind that's not school. LIFE the UNIVERSE and EVERYTHING are totally different from school. It's important to get out and explore and live. I don't think people plan their career paths as much as they kind of discover them, make them up, or cut them out of nothing along the way. So don't feel bad if you don't know where you're going or what you're doing. I haven't either until I've gotten there. (And then I immediately set out again for more points unknown, so it's a fleeting satisfaction at best.) Nobody has this stuff planned out from the start. You fake it until you make it. Anyway, my point is that transitioning from school to the real world is never easy and putting it off probably just makes it harder.

3. Let's see, when I got out of undergrad, it was less than 4 months until I had to move away from the 'rents to avoid physical abuse. This was in spite of the fact that I had no career plans and only the money I'd earned from temping those four months. I moved randomly 750 miles from everyone and everything I knew. It took two years of being depressed, lonely and working crap jobs/being unemployed before I found a work situation with a minimum of soul suckage that still pays (most of) the bills. It took me another six months on top of that before I made any friends down here. I was in and out of therapy. I bought and totaled my first car. (Which was payed for almost entirely by family help. Could never have afforded one on my own.) I was freaking out over my student debt. Sharon and I fought steadily about the state and status of our relationship. The whole scene was just a drag. It was one challenge after another. It was scary and difficult and painful and a total journey into the unknown. Obviously, I worked through a lot of it. But I keep screwing up too. Now, I'm feeling the crush of the fact that this spring, it'll have been four years since I graduated from college. I feel like I need to have some big accomplishment by then. (Buying a house, recording an album, etc...) and I don't know if it's going to happen. More scariness. Who knows, maybe the pressure will help.

End part one. See part two. I told you this shit was long.

Thoughts from somebody who didn't go to grad school and had to deal with a lot of this 2 years ago2

[dfunkman.livejournal.com]

4. The point of telling you all that is to illustrate how hard it was for me to cobble together some semblance of a post-collegiate life in spite of how effortless my endeavors may or may not appear to outside observers. It was really scary. I screwed up a lot. I took advantage of people and situations that I feel really guilty about now. It took a long-ass time. It frustrated me that it took longer than I thought it should've. I make it look easy and I get to act happy(ish) now because I did a certificate program in the school of hard knocks while you were getting your masters. Few people lead enough of a charmed life to coast through this transition period. You kinda just have to hold your nose and jump in. And then you have to just grit your teeth and hope against hope that that things'll get better. I think the fact that some joker like me can persevere is proof positive that most of my peers can do as well if not better. I have a feeling having a masters can only help. You'll just be starting a couple years behind those of us who decided to run headfirst into the brick wall known as the REAL WORLD right after undergrad. So you have to make sure to avoid making unfair comparisons.

5. As for feeling rushed, I think everybody feels rushed at every stage. If people aren't bugging you to find a partner, they're bugging you to marry him/her. If it's not marriage, it's children. If it's not kids, it's job, house, education, or whatever. Grownups will always find reasons to give us shit. Peers too, for that matter. Everybody's on my and Sharon's case to get married. (Grownups and peers alike.) We're in no hurry. People don't get that. We're apparently freakish because we've been engaged for five years. It's really annoying. With our lifestyle, we're still not sure how being married's going to play into things. We know we're going to be life partners but that just doesn't seem good enough for most people. RARR!! We don't want to have kids any time soon and since I've started teaching, I'm no longer sure if I want them at all. Stuff changes. Constantly. You need to be willing to blow everyone else off and pursue the path of most happiness for you. Nobody else lives your life. Live it so YOU benefit the most. Don't give in to peer pressure. Follow your heart. But don't expect it to get easier. It just gets different. Usually weirder and more complex. But that's no reason to give up. It seems that, even though it doesn't get any easier, all this crap becomes more rewarding.

6. When you start to get down on yourself, don't hesitate to contact me, or any of the old crew to commisserate or to butter you up with compliments. We care about you, we believe in you, and I bet more than a few of us (still) think you're teh uber hotness. We all need our egos stoked sometimes.

7. Sharon and I may not be single or living at home, but that doesn't make us any less confused. Most of the reason we don't live at home is that I was forced to GTFO right away. (That's ATL slang for "get the fuck out," y'all.:-P) And yeah, we've got each other, but WTF do we do when one of us wants somebody else in addition? (Is that TMI? Oh well.) Our relationship is constantly fluctuating between more platonic and more romantic, which I think is healthy, honestly, but complicated. Finding the "right" partner is just the tip of the iceberg compared to committing and actually following through on making the shit work. And if you're not ready for that kind of stuff, so what. What good is it if it doesn't feel good? Far better to be honest up front rather than being stuck and unhappy in an unbeneficial relationship. And if you need to get your jollies in the meantime, be an ethical slut.

But yeah, we've all got each other to lean on, which we shouldn't discount. I think we'll all pull through if we stick together.

[beffie.livejournal.com]

"...I can't help feeling the pressure, knowing that I'm here at 25 and people I know are living the dream with the love of their life (possibly), secure jobs, double incomes, and 2.5 kids. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get my shit together, because it sure don't feel like that right now."


YES.

It was really nice talking to you tonight, by the way! :-)

Beth